When most women find out they are expecting they begin reading & researching all things pregnancy & baby. One of the terms all expecting mothers hear is "breast is best". Breastfeeding is healthiest for mother & baby, and it is a natural process, right? I am not the first to say it nor will I be the last; Breastfeeding is hard. It is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. And that is coming from someone who went through countless rounds of chemo & radiation. I am in no way saying the two are equivalent in any way. I suppose what I am getting at is in both circumstances I felt helpless and that I lost total control of my body.
Breastfeeding and I. We started out on a rocky foot to begin with. Notice how I leave my daughter out of this equation. In no way was any of this her problem! It was MINE.
I could not get her to latch correctly. I had sore nipples. I fell asleep while breastfeeding. I felt trapped by breastfeeding every hour. I felt like she wasn't getting enough. I cried every time she latched on. I wanted to give up.
When I questioned the cluster feeding (eating so often) to B's pediatrician she recommended supplementing. Now there are many reasons to supplement but supply and demand is not one of them, or at least not for us. I do not believe in supply and demand issues....The answer for me was to just breastfeed/pump more. I thought no way in hell was I going to give my daughter formula...it might as well have been a four letter word in our home.
Fast forward to 6 months old and an empty freezer stash and a momma with cabin fever. I had a bit of a freak out feeling like I was going to forever or at least for the next several months be trapped into being home every 3 to 4 hours to feed B. I know that it looks as though I may be selfish and I will admit it, I need me time every now and then. Usually a quick run to the mall or coffee with a friend will take care of that need but there were events coming up that were all day events I wanted to attend! I tried pumping before bed and in the middle of the night but I just wasn't getting the stash I needed. If I fed her 5oz of stash it would take me 2 or 3 times of pumping to replenish. So I did the unthinkable.
I decided to introduce a little formula. Yes, I cheated.
I initially introduced it as extra on top of a feeding before bed. I have since stopped, now that I know she will eat it. She couldn't have been more aware and loves her "booboos." I just wanted to see what she would do so that if needed we could spend more than 3 hours apart, with Thunder Over Louisville in mind. Which we ended up not even attending.
I am beating myself up over this one. I still cannot believe I am having such strong feelings about this. I tried to let it roll off my back, but I just cannot shake it. I worked so damn hard to get good at feeding my daughter! In some ways I feel like I failed. I look back and I think about how I should have added some pumping sessions to get more milk for "later on." Or the fact that I could keep pumping now before bed and in the middle of the night and would have enough ounces after a few pumping sessions.
To be honest I don't know where all this pressure comes from. Is it from myself, society, other mothers?
I honestly think it comes down to giving my daughter the best and being the best mom I can be and knowing that I COULD HAVE or I STILL CAN...is hard to cope with.
5 comments:
Yay!!! I'm following you. =) Thanks for the comment love.
On the breastfeeding, oh honey...the feelings I had when I stopped were HORRIBLE. I had the same thoughts as you, "breast is best" and many more. I thought I had failed as mom. Looking back I had TOO MUCH milk and that's what was causing me to get mastitis all.the.time. Next time around I'll know, but I also know that formula isn't going to hurt if I decide to go that route.
I can't say the feelings will go away quickly, but they do fade and remember, a happy mama means a happy baby. I wasn't happy, I was in paid and felt tied to my pump. Life was so much better once I was infection free and he was formula fed.
p.s. I'm now following you!!!
We as mother's want the best for our kids and when we feel we can't provide that it comes with tremendous guilt. I am a single mom and my battle with breast feeding started n the hospital when on our second night there he wouldn't stop screaming unless i was feeding him for 8 hours straight. i cried the whole time in my room absolutely alone. On top of that my milk never came in I realize now. Our first 2 weeks he wouldn't sleep and cried whenever he wasn't latched on. He latched perfectly straight away and i never had pain or leakage so for a split second i thought i was lucky. At his 2 week appointment i found out he had lost almost a pound and a half and my heart sank. I had to go to the lactation specialist and we found out that after me feeding him a half hour on each side he got less then half an ounce. I had to start supplementing and within a few more weeks i dried up completely:(
I just have to remember that i did MY best. He is a healthy thriving 7 month old baby now. I still have people asking if i breast-fed him and when i respond i wasn't able to i get that judging look from them. Do not feel bad! Even if you switched over completely right now to formula you still helped your daughter get all those amazing nutrients for this long and thats an accomplishment in it self. Be proud of yourself and do not get yourself down!
I don't think giving formula is "cheating"....your daughter has had 6 months of mommies milk - which is fabulous!
as long as your daughter is healthy, eating and growing :) that's really what's important :)
she knows that she is loved!
I can SOOO relate! We had to introduce Formula at day 3 because M.E. has lost too much weight, before my milk came in. Then my supply was never what it needed to be to keep her happy.
I agree, it was the hardest thing I have ever done! I got to where Iloved it and didn't want to stop. I put off stopping for so long. Finally it got to where I was only pumping 1 oz per side at each pumping and it really wasn't worth it. She was happy and healthy on formula and thats all that mattered. Not to mention, she got teeth and started biting! OUCH!
Good Luck Shay. You are doing the best thing for both you and B. Just keep that in mind! This does NOT make you any less of a mother! xoxo
N hasn't had formula since he was about 2 days old but I would be a lying fool if I said the thought hasn't crossed my mind a time or twelve. I have those same feelings about the 2 days he had formula and I HAD to do it due to jaundice! I don't know what makes us feel like that, but it's not cool. What's important is that your baby is happy, healthy, and FED. ;)
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