Me oh My oh

I can honestly say the past few days have been some of the hardest in my life. Yes, I have battle cancer, and beat it twice. Yes, I have given birth. Yes, you might say I have been through the ringer...All of those things seem so "easy" compared to the test my daughter has been putting me through. I suppose I could say I was a bit spoiled pretty early on. She had been STTN w/ 1 nightfeed between 3-6am. For the past week or so this chickie has pretty much refused to nap longer than an hour unless being held, and has now decided that she wants to be rocked to sleep at least 3 times a night before going down for a few short hours then rinse wash & repeat. It seems like everytime I put her down she screams. Yes, I do the limp limb check 1st...and I swear she is out like a light, that is until she is out of my arms. Some minutes I think oh poor baby is over tired/stimulated & irritable, then others I think oh no is my baby sick (checked her temp 3 times now just to make sure) and then other she will give me that sweet smile & I think oh there's my happy baby...until she starts screaming 2 seconds later. What gives kid?

I know things will get better but in the meantime I have a very cranky, fussy, tired baby & don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried it all. She hates swaddling, so that doesn't help. I have tried props (music, white noise, paci,rocking, bouncing & more) and I have tried not using props just a routine & shushing and patting. I pretty much feel helpless at this point. 

Nick took her out today to give me a bit of a break and so I could catch some zzz's since I have been averaging about 5 a night....needless to say I was so thankful to get in 2 hours & feel so refreshed. I think Nick got a bit of a taste of what I am going through...she screamed the entire time they were out and he threw in the towel after running 1 of his errands...and he had quite a few to take care of. I dunno she used to zonk out in the car...now it is like torture. I have resulted to riding in the back with her armed with bottle and paci if needed. 

I am still trying to pinpoint when all this started happening and if there is anything I am doing differently. I wanna say it was after Thanksgiving when we had visitors. I keep running through my head about how I didn't pay much attention to her those few days and how she was bottle fed more often & other people were basically doing my job. I feel so guilty and now I feel like maybe she is catching up for the lost time with momma. 

I know babies are so unpredictable but I just feel like this is so far off base. Nick is even worried and has made an appt w/ the pedi tomorrow to make sure she isnt sick...since she had an ear infection a while back and we had no idea, just thought it was the common cold. Now we are paranoid about it.

I know that people say motherhood comes naturally but let's get real folks, it's a work in progress. I am "learning her" and she is "learning me. " The other night she was throwing a fit and as soon as Nick would hand her to me she would settle...then I would hand her back to try to go finish dinner...not in her plan obviously, & she would pitch a fit. I know I was her soul source for everything for 10 months...and now I am her primary caregiver so she would naturally want to be soothed by me. I know that this is normal but at what point do I just give in to the screaming and take over. I feel so horrible that it results to that much of the time and I feel even more horrible that I get so irritated when it has been a long day/night without a break. I know that is normal too...and I know that things will get better. Everyone says it will, so it has to right? ;O)

♥♥